On Turning 18

Turning eighteen comes with its own anxieties and stresses.  There is a constant pressure from friends and family to look and behave your age.  Eighteen is considered the age when one is supposed to turn into a responsible individual overnight. This is the age when one needs to start thinking about the future... blah blah. ‘Society expects certain decorum from you.   The family looks upon you.’   

Well, I am referring to the pressures and anxieties on the mother of an eighteen years old son!

Nikhil turned 18 yesterday. I am worried … because

·         I won’t get to drive my car.

·         I will have to get used to listening to dialogues like ‘I am 18, I know what is right for me.’

·       I will have to shell out a greater part of my salary towards  his pocket money because ‘No girl friends’ rule does not apply after 18

Birthday celebrations were a subdued lot to ensure Nikhil does well in board (read life).

A close friend called yesterday to wish, ‘It does not look that you are mother of an 18 years old!’  Not sure if this was a compliment or advice.

Mysteries of Parenting

'I am going to give a speech on Arts of Parenting in my Toastmasters club meeting,’ I announced to kids when I reached home.

The house is literally upside down when I reach home in the evening. Literally and not virtually. Kids jumping all over, music full blast, school bags thrown in the living room, smelly socks on sofa, the younger one still in uniform so and so forth. The moment they see me they hurriedly start picking up things running here and there like piglets run on seeing a big cat around.

Coming back to my speech on art of parenting, my two brats have given me creamy rich experience on how to tame the kids.
‘I will start with the lyrics... Give me Some sunshine , give me some rain, give me another chance , I wanna grow up once again,’ I said loudly to grab their attention. None of them was paying any attention to what I was saying.

‘But I am not going to sing the song, I will only speak the lyrics,’ I declared on seeing a bewildered expression on their faces when I grabbed the elder one; the younger one slipped out of my hands.
‘There are various ways to train the children, you see. You need to discipline them, you need to listen to them, pampering is as important as disciplining, don’t give hollow threats, practice and don’t preach, be a friend ….’

None of them was interested in listening to my expert opinion on how to tame the unruly lot.

‘Mom, I have a suggestion.’
I was proud that I have groomed my kids in such a way that even 11 yrs old can give suggestions on better parenting. ‘End it with another version of song that you are crooning. Give me another chance I want to become a better parent once again; mouthing this he sprinted to his room.

‘How creative! That’s the perfect way to end your speech,’ said my sweet sixteen.

Never mind the feedback from children. After all they are only small children; I have still decided to go with my fistful speech on Mysteries (read Art) of Parenting on 12th Aug

The Bored Generation

“Mom, I am bored”
How many times in a day do you hear this complaint? At least five or may be countless times. This is more so during holidays.

Two months summer holidays is a stressful period for parents especially working mothers. The new generation is a bored generation. Even with 24x7 T.V channels, computers, play station, X- boxes and summer camps the children are bored to the core.

Our holidays many summers ago were very enjoyable and a true stress buster. We either visited our grand parents or a truck full of cousins and aunts visited us. The curtains drawn to escape from bright scorching sun, it was non stop chit chat, ludo, snakes and ladder and marbles in the back yard. The host was never hassled about how to entertain the guests and from where to order pizza for them (as there were no pizzas then and eating out was an exception and not routine). Lack of space never bothered the host. Post dinner time was even more fun, lolling over the mattresses on the floor; we treasure fond memories of childhood. Our working mother never felt that the guests over stayed, even two months stay was less.

Now cousins are too busy to come or even the host is busy ferrying children from one activity class to another. “If cousins come then who will look after them during the day? They will get bored” I wonder how did such formalities originate between first cousins?

However it originated but I must confess that in their hankering after grabbing too much from life our children are really missing out the real childhood.

Who is a millionaire: Slumdog or Christian Colson/Danny Boyle?

I am confused not because why Jamaal Malik could speak fluent English and that too in British accent, also not how he got his name ( Jamaal is a Muslim and Malik is a Hindu surname) but I am confused about what has really appealed to people about this 2 hours movie. For sure movie goers don’t go to see filthy slums and all that comes along with it. Have people found the slums, the open drains and children playing on the mound of garbage so beautiful? Sure not. SDM portrays out of the box thinking and it is very creatively done. Two truths – first truth this story can be about any slum dweller minus the millionaire part. The second truth - this movie is a hit at the box office and has won 11 nominations for Oscars (that’s old truth now). As they say the proof of the pudding is in eating. Since Slumdog is doing very well it means it has made lot of business sense for Christian Colson to produce and Danny Boyle to direct this movie. Would this movie still be a hit if it wouldn’t have got a single nomination for Oscar? No idea. Anil Kapoor dominantly portrays himself in all the photographs splashed in media about Oscar nominations as if he is the main character, the fact is though he has screen presence throughout the entire length but he has a very insignificant role. It would have been the same thing even if anyone else were there in the hot seat.
Now Slumdog has shown us Dharavi - India’s biggest slum and introduced us to real slum children.
“How pathetic!”, “Nice movie but sad, how people live in these conditions!”, “Inhuman, we should not take kids for this movie, why show them these truths about India!”, “What foreigners must be thinking about India?” That’s how most of us would have reacted after watching this movie. Britisher Danny Boyle has made loads of money by showcasing India’s poverty, dingy slums, maimed beggars and the world is going ga ga over Litika, Saleem and Jamaal- India’s slum kids. The truth is this movie is half real but for the three slum kids who were picked up from Dharavi slum to play three main characters. Their natural acting made a BIG contribution to its success. The least the producer can do is take charge of their life, send them to best schools and support them economically till they become adults and open the doors of opportunity for them to become real life millionaires or else they will remain as slumdogs.
Caution: Don’t take your small children for the movie. Some scenes in the movie leave inerasable impressions on the mind. And yes, adults must watch for the pleasure of watching an Oscar nominated movie

You can help

How many of us are thankful of what we have? ‘Count your blessings’ that’s what strikes you first when you visit AWMD (Association for the Welfare of The Mentally Disabled) in Udaygiri Mysore. People crib about not having a son or pray for a daughter but there is a large chunk of population who have children born with mental disabilities and the only thing that matters to them is that their child irrespective of gender should be able to live somewhat like normal child at least become independent functionally. Brainchild of Mr. Manohar, this NGO aims at making differently abled people function normally and independently and ultimately aims at making them financially independent. The children are trained in early care where they are taught basic self care like using the toilet, brushing teeth. The early intervention program was conceived with the intention of helping large number of children together. Children visit AWMD once a week with their mothers. Both the child and the mother are trained in self care so that it can be followed up at home. This training is generally imparted for 6 months. Vocational programme trains them in various vocational activities like candle making, mat making, paper baskets, dustbins, paper bags et al.

How you can help:
Be a volunteer
Help in marketing the products made by children. You could put up a stall in your company/ school/college/building
Help in finding employment for the trained beneficiaries
If time is at a premium Sponsor a child- Rs 500/month
To know more details contact: manoemohan@gmail.com , Manohar- 98450 98635

My heart weeps ...

My heart weeps for those who have lost their loved ones in Mumbai terror attack. The children who lost their parents in the attack. The child who lost his mother in the attack. The image of terrorists shooting his mother will haunt him for entire life. How will a small child live without his mother? What will happen to his ambitions, his dreams… each moment.. each breath that he will take will remind him of his mother. He will long for the coziness of sleeping with mother, mother’s touch, her smile, fragrance of her clothes and even her scolding … what had he done to deserve this punishment? There is no substitute for a mother. I am depressed, angry and disappointed that I am living in a country where anyone can shoot at will and there is no security of life. Where 10 young men barely out of their teens can hold an entire nation to ransom. Is it Jungle raj? I have no reason to be hopeful in future. This is the price we have to pay for electing and tolerating corrupt, incapable and inefficient politicians.
If I have escaped this time, I may not be lucky next time. With no hope for future that things will be better off in India, who knows when my time will come. Today I want to sit with my children and tell them stories that they have been asking for days and cook their favorite dish. Who knows tomorrow I may be killed by the bullet of an insane terrorist.
….a mother

Childhood sans innocence

Last Saturday, I happened to be a judge at a creative writing competition for children from 9 – 13 years. The children were asked to imagine and write a story based on a picture showing sea, fishes and a few sea animals like octopus in it. Children came up with innovative thoughts and weaved stories. I was much distressed to read that most of the children had used the words commandos, RDX, hijack, kidnap, bullets, security, terrorist and built the stories around these lines; some of them had portrayed octopus as the terrorist who had come in a ship to kill fishes.
Where is the innocence of children gone? Can they think life beyond bomb blasts, terrorists ? It is sad that their vocabulary is laced with such words which we had not even heard of in our childhood. Where are the fairytale thoughts in which the good always overpowers evil? It is not only sad but scary too … what kind of upbringing and culture are we giving to our children where bomb blasts are the part of life and terrorists are not fictional characters.

Mom, I haven't won the prize…

“Why didn’t my child get a prize, he was so good?”, “How come that child was given the first position, she was so ordinary?” Hmm do these reactions sound familiar?
We often hear people accusing the judges of a competition for the bias decision. It is easy to accuse the authorities and judges for the unfair judgment when you are one of the participants but come to the other side of the fence and you will say ‘I wish I was on the other side’. The same happened to me last week when I was invited to be one of the judges for a fancy dress competition at St. Joseph’s Central school. Participating is far easier than pronouncing the Best amongst the best. This is more so when all of them have put in their best foot forward. The dejected faces of children who are not the winners melt your heart and make you feel guilty.
There is always a debate without any conclusion on whether young children should be made to go through the emotional ordeal of facing competition. One school of thought states that not fetching the first place amounts to failure and leads to emotional imbalance for young children. Why should the tiny tots be made to go through these emotional traumas at a young age? Right! But isn’t competition the most important reality of life and the earlier they learn about it the better it is for them. Regarding that emotional imbalance, it can be handled pretty well by children if parents do not put undue pressure on their children to be the winner. It will be a part of the game for the child if she/he sees a big smile on mom’s face even when she/he doesn’t bring a trophy home. Isn’t participation as fun as winning a prize? School teachers too can pitch in by not giving partial treatment to those children who win the competition and encouraging other children to try their best.
It was a great show but the highlight of the event was not the brilliant show put up by primary school children but the discipline and time management practiced by the school. The show started at the pre announced hour irrespective of who is present and who is not. When one of the judges failed to turn up at the designated time, the principal Mrs. Joyce Lobo took the instant decision to request someone else to judge the event instead of waiting for the judge who was held up. In sharp contrast to this I am reminded of an event when a chief guest made the audience wait for two hours in the hot sun.
I wonder why we appreciate these values in childhood but tend to forget them as we grow up. Any answers?

Shall I tell the truth to Rahul?

Bringing up new generation children is a tough task and bringing up sensitive children who ask lots of questions for which parents may not have the logical and appropriate answer is even tougher. Last week, I happened to meet Suresh Oberoi, the yester year veteran actor at a club. Rahul, my nine years old son became very friendly with him and bombarded him with questions for all the two hours that we all were together. Though Rahul has not seen any of his movies but based on his thinking and imagination , he found lots of things to talk about. The actor answered all his questions patiently and jokingly called Rahul a ‘BBC reporter’.
Suresh Oberoi is a very friendly gentleman and he was nice and polite with who ever he met there.
The actor invited Rahul to his house in Mumbai during Christmas holidays and asked him to stay with his family in his house. The issue is not whether to accept the invitation or not. The issue is Rahul has taken the invitation at its face value …really seriously.

Rahul: Was uncle really serious when he invited me to his house?
Me: Yes , he was ( I didn’t want to break his heart)

Rahul: Then why didn’t he give me his landline or mobile number ? Has he fooled me ? why did he fool me?
Me: Speechless

I have no answers to these questions. Celebrities like to be nice and friendly to people they meet especailly children. I do not want to tell him that the actor was just being friendly and nothing else I do not want to hurt my son.
I cannot also tell him that actor has invited him genuinely because that in all probablity is not true.
Rahul is a very sensitive boy; these days he remains in deep thoughts and after the first few questions hasn’t spoken on this subject. I know that some thoughts are going on his mind which he is not sharing. I don’t know how to give logical answer to his queries.
As a mother should have I stopped the actor from telling something to a child which he doesn’t mean even if it was just an act of being friendly and nice. I am confused. Shall the tell the truth to Rahul?

Back to school

The holidays are over and the children are back to school. There is a routine in the house and the life for us mothers is more structured and disciplined now. What a relief! …But relief for whom ? Definitely not for the children. Stress is not the prerogative of adults alone. Children average or above average lead a very stressful life now a days. Not only academics, they are expected to excel in everything they put their hands into be it theatre, dance, sports, drawing. The day we enroll our child for tennis, we expect him/her to play US Open one day. Though we tell ourselves we don’t pressurize our children but the undue anxiety by mothers shows it all and they understand our expectations from our body language.

There is a constant struggle in their minds to do well because doing well is the sign of getting accepted. An average child finds it very difficult to cope up with the competition. If they are unable to reach the bar created for them, it leads to stress. Studies show that most of the children are with average intelligence, the percentage of children with below and above average intelligence is very less.

I know a young mother whose son has just joined first grade. The child doesn’t like to write and writes very slowly in the class; he is unable to finish the class work in the class. The young mother is so worried about his future as if his slow writing may lead to his failure in life. Her undue anxiety does reflect in her body language