Love doesn't always triumph, the reality of arranged marriages

I had an arranged marriage like most people of those days. A week after the marriage, we met a Swiss couple, and we were asked the most obvious question that married couples are often asked: “How did you two meet?”

“We had an arranged marriage,” we said in unison.

“My parents replied to the ad given by his parents,” I said truthfully.

The Swiss couple’s mouths dropped open, their eyebrows raised. The concept of arranged marriage was alien to them, but for us, back then and even now, that’s how marriages happen. We considered ourselves progressive because we were both given a chance to voice our opinion about our prospective life partner, something that many didn’t even get.

In India, 90% of marriages are arranged, and 90% are successful—at least they appear so. In India, if a husband and wife are staying in the same house and going out together, it means they are a happy couple and their marriage is successful. Whatever happens inside the four walls is no one’s business and shouldn’t be.

But nowadays, arranged marriages have a twist. The boy and girl meet mostly in the presence of their parents, and if they think they would like to consider the possibility of tolerating each other for the rest of their lives, they take the alliance forward and meet a few more times to gauge their compatibility. Even parents agree that they must meet to get to know each other better.

But the moot question is: where do they meet? In their parents’ living room? In a restaurant, park, hotel, café… where? What about the moral police? In some states, the moral police are so powerful that they have the authority to arrest a wayward couple sitting in a park. Oyo in Meerut has barred unmarried couples from staying there.

So what should this boy and girl do? Play blind in marriage? “Love is blind” is a cliché, but are marriages too blind? Ironically, we think nothing of men peeing in public. All we do is turn our face the other way and turn a blind eye to it.

Most of the content we watch on TV and OTT platforms has vulgar dialogues and obscenity on display. Cuss words are considered rather cool, and if these cuss words are not part of your everyday vocabulary, then you are not a cool dude but an old aunty. At times, the content is so obscene that even married couples can’t watch it in the company of their parents or children. We are okay with that.

Such obscenity doesn’t corrupt our minds, doesn’t disparage our values and culture, but watching a man and woman kissing or holding hands in public will corrupt our minds. Seriously!

Image credits: Internet 

Every Rose has its Day, Happy Valentine's Day for florists

If you love someone, express it either through words or actions, or better yet, both. Valentine’s Day isn’t just about love; it’s about expressing love, and what better way to do so than with roses? Interestingly, this day not only sparks romance but also ignites debates. In some states, it is officially banned. If a young boy and girl are seen together, they may even be jailed. The moral police warn the youth against celebrating this day of love. Regardless of whether one celebrates or opposes Valentine’s Day, for florists worldwide, it remains a highly anticipated occasion. Their livelihoods depend on such events. 

This day—and the entire week leading up to it, often called “Rose Day” by florists—undeniably elevates the humble rose to celebrity status. On Valentine’s Day, a rosebud that typically costs ₹ 10 suddenly becomes five times more expensive. Yet, people in love willingly pay the premium. After all, it’s just one day, and love deserves to be celebrated. 

Love, especially romantic love, is a beautiful feeling—one that makes the world brighter and more joyful. So, why not celebrate it? Whether you believe in Valentine’s Day or not, take this opportunity to express your love with roses. Buy a single rose or a bouquet, not just to show love but also to support your local florist. Let love bloom and make the world a kinder, more beautiful place.

If we want to create a better society, start by changing men’s mindsets

 

A woman can only be truly strong if the men around her empower her. If we want to create a better society, we must start by changing men’s mindsets. 

I sat down to watch Mrs., the remake of the Malayalam movie, but switched off the TV after just half an hour. The film was simply too frustrating - it made me want to pull my hair out. Despite being educated and financially independent, why do women still endure such struggles? This question lingered in my mind, and two days later, I resumed the movie, even though I had already seen the original. Mrs. is a mirror that reflects the pervasive patriarchy in society. What’s striking is how women of nearly every generation can relate to the film. It begs the question: what has really changed about women’s status? The answer, it seems, is that most changes are merely superficial. Today, women may be educated and financially independent, but marriage often brings little real change to their lives. At its core, Mrs. isn’t just about patriarchy; it’s about the conditioning of women. From a young age, women are taught to support men and ensure their comfort, often at the expense of their own needs. A mother perpetuates patriarchy by teaching her daughter to “adjust” no matter the circumstances. A mother-in-law reinforces it by expecting her daughter-in-law to conform to the "culture" of the household—one that revolves around taking care of men and letting them lead. 

Even the popular slogan, ‘Educate a woman, and you educate an entire family,’ subtly places the responsibility of uplifting families on women. But what about men? Little will change unless they change. The real slogan should be, ‘Change a man, and you uplift the entire society - not just the family.’

A woman can only be truly strong if the men around her empower her. If we want to create a better society, we must start by changing men’s mindsets.

Mrs. is a must-watch for men. The script of Mrs reinforces patriarchy by suggesting that societal norms remain unchallenged and unchanged. A more impactful conclusion would depict men evolving or at least recognizing their unfairness toward women. Such an ending would’ve better aligned with the movie's intended message and leave a stronger, more progressive impact on its audience.

Money Talks, Power Walks, Even God takes Note

Money Talks, Power Walks, Even God takes Note 

1953, my mother was a stage volunteer at a program where Jawaharlal Nehru was the Chief Guest. After his speech, as he was stepping down from the stage, she ran after him to greet him. “Chacha ji, bless me that I may follow in your footsteps,” she said, bowing before him. “Beta, it’ll be like this only,” he replied, placing a hand on her head to bless her.

My uncle Ravi, three years younger than my mother, has a similar story to share. Once, as a student, he went to the Parliament House to seek approval for an academic project on Buddhist culture that had been delayed due to red tape. The study required government approval. By chance, he saw Jawaharlal Nehru, the then Prime Minister, in the corridor who walking towards his cabin. Quickly introducing himself, Uncle had the presence of mind to request approval directly from the Prime Minister. Right then and there, in the corridor, Nehru granted the approval.

Listening to these stories, my sons were surprised. “How come the Prime Minister didn’t have any security? What if someone had tried to harm him?” Sadly, today’s generation is unfamiliar with a world where politicians and ministers didn’t need heavy security. Back then, leaders like Nehru were approachable to the common man.

The term VIP has undergone a significant transformation. VIPs are no longer limited to political leaders but include anyone with money and power. The VIP tag can easily be bought. Be it a special darshan at Tirumala Tirupati, Chamundi Temple, Dharmasthala, or elsewhere, there are always two queues—one for commoners and another for VIPs or those who pay for a quick darshan. Even God appears quickly for VIPs, while the commoners are made to wait.

At events like the Mahakumbh, there are separate VIP and VVIP areas, exclusive to the rich and powerful, cordoned off from the common areas. Society has always been divided into the rich and the poor, but the VIP culture, especially at temples and religious places, is further deepening this divide, creating stark divisions between the 'haves' and the 'have-nots.'

Salute to those who laid down their lives for the country

In 1920, my maternal grandfather ( Nana ji) Dr Lehna Singh Sethi was offered a  job in the British army after he finished his medical education from Agra medical college. The offer was tempting with a fat salary and attractive perks but he refused the job offer because he wanted to participate in the freedom movement. In the British raj, the medical education was free for those who joined the military service after graduation. Not only that, the new doctors were also recruited in the army. With the independence movement gaining momentum, the British govt needed to strengthen its armed forces. Those newly trained doctors who didn’t join the British govt had to reimburse the full amount of the fee to the college. Grandpa’s family hardly had any money but it was out of the question to join the British ranks. My grandma sold her jewellery so that the fee could be reimbursed to the college. During the freedom struggle, Nana ji courted arrest many times which was a matter of pride for any freedom fighter. In 1942, during the Quit India movement, when he was imprisoned in Multan jail along with other freedom fighters.  his  15yrs old daughter ( my mother’s elder sister) passed away. He was allowed to attend the funeral of his daughter only on the condition that henceforth he will shun the freedom movement  which was not acceptable to him. It was only after three years he was set free. 

At the time of partition, he was appointed as liaison officer to evacuate Hindus from Sargodha and send them safely to India. Everyday only 100 passes were issued. Early in the morning, people would start queuing up  outside the house and plead for the permit to travel, each one’s  plead more urgent than the rest. The bloodbath had already started and the Hindus wanted to leave Pakistan at the earliest. Nana ji took a vow that his own family would be the last to leave Pakistan after every single person from Sargodha had left. It was Nov 1947 when my grandma, mother and mama ji were put on the train. It was the last train to India. 

On Dec 1, 1950 grandfather passed away. People had come in thousands to pay their homage to the departed soul.  On the day of his cremation, his photographs were distributed with the following message from Sardar Vallabhbhai Patel, the first Home Minister and Deputy PM of India. (Dr Lehna Singh Sethi who Lived and died in the service of homeless millions and saved them from dishonor and death) 

Walking that Extra Mile... Pratham shows the way

(Published in Star of Mysore, June 24, 2014) 

By Sujata Rajpal : 

If there is one thing which sets the children of Private schools apart from those in Government schools, it is the exposure to advanced teaching methodologies and quality education. Government school children are also at the receiving end due to unavailability of qualified teachers, and poor student teacher ratio which aggravate the despicable scenario and further widen the class divide.  Shouldn’t the race be considered null and void, if there is no common starting line for all? Bring everyone at par and then watch the fun. 

Pratham Mysore continues to do its bit to bridge this gap as far as the exposure to quality education is concerned. Its most recent initiative is aimed at bringing the children from government schools to the forefront of competitive excellence. The objective is to prepare the high school children to take up NMMS (National Means cum Merit Scholarship) examination conducted by the Department of State Educational Research and Training (DSERT) in collaboration with State and Central Government Education departments. It awards scholarships to meritorious students of economically weaker section and thereby helps in reducing the dropout rate of children at Class VIII.

Dr T. Padmini, Founding Trustee of Pratham along with Dr Yoganandan, Professor of Physics at Vidya Vardhaka Junior college, worked on the methodology to execute the same.

As a pilot project, 39 children from three Government Schools (Government High School, Vontikoppal, Adarsha Vidyalaya, Vinayakanagar and Government High School Medar Block) were selected through an aptitude test for the intensive coaching programme.

Fourteen children coached by Pratham have successfully cleared NMMS examination. They will get a scholarship of Rs 24,000/ for four years. At the State level, 56 children have passed the examination from Mysore North Block with only 14 children from the Government Schools. It is a matter of pride that all the 14 children were attendees of Pratham coaching programme for NMMS. 

The students went through rigorous coaching on Aptitude, Science, Social Science, Math and Languages. The classes were conducted for six months after school hours by Pratham’s enthusiastic team of volunteers. When it comes to coaching children from families with hand- to- mouth existence, the challenge is not just training them to learn the curriculum. Besides coaching, there were logistics issues like arranging light snacks for children as they would come straight from their respective schools, transporting them to a common centre, keeping their motivational levels high and such other issues which most of us cannot comprehend. But as they say, if there is will, there is always a way. All issues become non issues when there is a bigger purpose to achieve.

NMMS Examination comprises two tests - General Mental Ability Test (GMAT) and Scholastic Aptitude Test (SAT). GMAT consists of 90 multiple choice questions on verbal and non - verbal metacognitive abilities like reasoning and critical thinking. SAT also consists of 90 multiple choice questions covering subjects namely Physics, Chemistry, Biology, Mathematics, History, Civics, Geography as taught in classes VII and VIII.

The customized programme followed a structured approach to teaching including  three mock tests , and used abundant visual aids. 

“A picture is equal to one thousand words. Visual representation helps in better retention and understanding. I used PPTs and other forms of pictorial representation to teach Math and Social Studies. Even the Great Wall of China should be explained through visuals,” tells Serena Lobo, a volunteer with Pratham. Serena is now an employee of Pratham.

“Apart from teaching aids and a structured approach, what actually works is the positive attitude towards students.  Shun the negative labels and see what wonders they are capable of doing. The objective of this programme is not just to coach them to get the scholarship but instil confidence in them to face life,” tells Dr Padmini.

Nayana M , a 9^th grader from Vontikoppal Government School was thrilled when I spoke to her over the phone.  She is one of the 14 recipients of NMMS scholarship this year.  “I am going to buy only books with the scholarship money, and I want to study Commerce after SSLC,” said Nayana. Her mother Leela who works as a house help called me back as soon as I ended the call.  “Madam, I forgot to tell you, I am very happy not only because my daughter is getting a scholarship of Rs 500 per month but because this programme has improved her confidence level. Look, how confidently she spoke to you over the phone just now,” said the proud mother.

Rightly said, if you are confident, you can conquer any mountain.

DBC - Death By Choice

As instructed, everyone stood in silence as a mark of respect towards the departed soul waiting impatiently for the silence to end and the work to resume. Oh, one minute never seemed so long. With deliverable planned for the day, the sound of siren exactly after a minute seems relieving for everyone standing in uncomfortable silence. One minute over and the life is back to coding, meetings, phone calls, emails and office gossip.

One moment of silence and life is back to usual business for the rest of the world except the near ones whose life changes for ever. Death being the only certainty in the world is not tragic; the tragic is the way it is sniffed out by choice.

What comes into the person when h/she decides to cut short h/her life? Why no thoughts come to the person’s mind about what will happen to those who are left to cry and fend for themselves, to those who are dependent on you physically, emotionally and financially? Can a temporary grief over a failed love overpower you so much that you let go of everything, everything else seems worthless? That talent, industriousness, friendliness , creativity to pen out of the box scripts, great shots , amazing illustrations ... what good were all these?  The same could be used to enhance others’ lives. What a waste of talent? What a waste of life?

A Pi(e) of English Vinglish

Usha  and Soundara 

The article was published in Star of Mysore on April 14,2013. 

http://www.starofmysore.com/main.asp?type=specialnews

Usha, Soundara Rajan’s better half greets me with an infectiously warm smile as she ushers me into their modest apartment in Mysore.  For the uninitiated, N.S.Soundara Rajan is Mysore’s connection to the Oscar winning movie Life of Pi. I am greeted with an equally contagious smile when the man in question enters their simple, but aesthetically done up living room. We exchange pleasantries and the conversation obviously rolls into his days on the sets of Life of Pi.

 “Ang Lee is a perfectionist. He wanted the actors to narrate their dialogues with typical accent of the particular state like how Tamilians speak English that’s the reason a person like me was hired,” tells Soundara. Our Mysore man had the task of teaching English with Tamil and Gujarati twang to the coveted star cast with the focused emphasis on perfecting their accent. The offer landed in his lap through his son’s actor friend Thilothama who had auditioned for the role of Pi’s on screen love interest. Though Thilothama didn’t get the desired role, Soundara became the Tamil accent guy for the Hollywood crew. For this septuagenarian, Life of Pi was his first tryst with films where he also doubled up as cultural coach for the crew. 

 

“It would be an understatement to admit that I was nervous. I was extremely nervous and highly pressurized because the expectations were high and there was no one to give directions. On the first day, I was given a file of all the dialogues which had to be spoken with Tamil and Gujarati accent. After that it was on me to deliver,” Soundara explains, flipping through the pages of the file which now equals a pride souvenir for the family. “I was the final authority in my area of work with no interference or micro management from Ang , actors or anyone else. The renowned director had complete trust in the people he had hired which made us bring our best onto the table,” he raves.  “As I look back to those moments of shooting of the film, I can only have immense admiration and respect for Ang Lee and his wonderful team that worked in this magnificent movie. The amount of focussed energy and commitment to professionalism and realism that has gone into making this epic of a movie is indeed very remarkable. I am proud to have been a crew member of Life of Pi, truly, a once-in-a-several-lifetimes opportunity,” he beams.

With Ang Lee

There is no stopping Soundara when he talks about Ang Lee, the man he is in awe of. Talking about Ang’s professionalism and perfectionism, he recalls a scene from the movie where actor Tabu is taking out colours from an old Bournvita dabba to draw rangoli designs. Ang sourced an old worn out Bournvita dabba from Pondicherry for this scene; every scene had to be closest to reality.

“How was it working with the big names in film industry?” I can’t help asking.

 “Since Ang Lee didn’t have any star like tantrums, the others in the crew too followed suit.  Ang was always the first one to arrive on the sets,” he tells recalling his sixty days at Taichung in Central Taiwan and Pondicherry where the shooting was held. Rightly said, a good leader always leads by example. For sure, Ang should be the right pick to give lessons at our management institutes. “Coaching Tabu and Adil Hussain was not a problem as both of them are versatile actors, but it was extremely challenging to coach Suraj Sharma who played the role of Pi. Here his TGI method, short for Transformation Guided Imagery, came in handy. TGI is a motivational technique where the person is made to visualize success and the final outcome of the task in hand. “I asked Suraj to imagine that he was receiving Oscar and it worked well both ways; Suraj picked up proper diction and we won four Oscars,” Soundara says gleefully. Young Ayush Tandon who plays Pi as a school going boy and a few others were also coached by him.

“Do you have any future plans for more such film projects?” I ask. “I don’t have any plans, but life does strange things so you never know,” he replies philosophically. 

 “Why don’t you pen a book about your experiences?” I prod this former Electronics & Radar Establishment (LRDE) staffer who is now a visiting faculty for Communication and negotiation skills at SP Birla institute in Bangalore, Manipal University and Bhavan’s Priyamvada Birla Institute of Management, Mysore. He evades my poser and expounds on how knowledge of English can change the employability of our youth. Why do students of 10^th grade need to study Oscar Wilde and Shakespeare? He questions. They only need to communicate in English which is the key to success. English language should be taught from the usage perspective just like the mother tongue, without bothering much about grammar. In fact, teaching grammar scoops out the fun from learning a language.

 Point to ponder, but that would be another story, another day.

He lovingly calls his wife to join him for the photograph when I take out my Sony Cyber - shot from my handbag for the photo shoot.

“Why my picture, what have I done?” she laughs. 

“You were my unflinching support throughout the journey. Can a man be successful without the support of his wife? ” he asks.

Well, I couldn't agree more.

Some facts from Life of Pi (Source: The making of Life of Pi by Jean Christophe Castelli ) ·    Almost 86 percent of the scenes featuring Richard Parker, the Bengal tiger were shot using a computer-generated tiger. ·     Most of the time, what you thought was the vast sea was not actually a sea but an enormous pool- 246 ft long by 98 ft wide by 10 ft deep- holding about  1,860,000 gallons of water . The waves were generated by a system of blowers stored inside a row of twelve boxes- “caissons,” in tank talk – that had a cumulative 2000 horsepower. ·    The entire ‘sea’ shooting was done indoors in Taichung. Imagine your own indoor sea. ·    The post production period of the mega movie was one and a half years ·     The total budget of the movie was $ 120 million.